Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
