Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
