he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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