remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Randomize
