He asked me if I "almost moaned"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
