I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize