u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
