I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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