allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Someone shattered a urinal.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize