I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
