I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
