I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my liver is dry heaving
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
