just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
