Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
