I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
