i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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