She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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