I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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