Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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