For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you had me at cake vodka
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
