trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
