I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
