When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
