What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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