Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
