I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
