I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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