Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
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