the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
