i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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