I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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