yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
