i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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