Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We are two peas in an std pod
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
