if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
