so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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