i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
