I wish life had little blips of pornography
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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