Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
