hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize