Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
