Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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