Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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