i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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