Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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