I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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