my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
