Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We don't watch enough power rangers
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
