I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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