She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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