Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
