please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
