Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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