you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
