did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
