dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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