my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
