You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
