When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
