I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
