Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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