I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
