Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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