Michael Bay diarrhea
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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