it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
