apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
