I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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