I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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