What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You pole danced in your parka.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
