My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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